Ok, ok, I  know I’ve been MIA… but I’m blaming my absence on the ridiculous amount of work I’ve been buried under, as a result of my own manifestation. But I also have to admit I’ve put off writing because I realized that this blog has turned in to a bit more of a journal entry than I intended. That being said, I did want it to be motivational, informative, and inspiring; so if even one person finds those things amidst my own personal churning than I guess I am accomplishing what I set out to do. Plus, I have a place to process things ‘out loud’ when my internal dialogue simply won’t create resolution.

Lately this process of self evolution has led me down a path of strange familiarity. Has that ever happened to you? You think you’re done with something or someone, heck you may have even written them off, but then out of nowhere the opportunity presents itself to take a mulligan and try again.

Now I’ve been through this a few times. I happen to believe that The Universe will send you lessons and signs until you actual learn them or see them to the best of your ability. My lessons and signs, for the most part, have to do with my career. I have left and gone back, left and gone back, probably more than most people you know. I’m a serial re-do-er. I guess its my belief in these second chances. When I really stop to think about it, each of these re-do opportunities has truly given me the chance to mend a bridge that may have been burned, or to at least come to some sort of realization that me and it are just not a good match, or perhaps grown apart. Usually when this happens I’m able to move on, which is great because I’ve been able to work my whole adult life in a field that I love and uses my talents, and make decent money, all due to the fact that I have learned and grown along the way.

This time, my emotions are involved more than usual and I find myself in a very interesting place. I’m scared, really scared. I don’t want to create any misperception, so I’m trying to be transparent, but I feel so vulnerable, like everything I say is being analyzed. I’m scared, because I don’t want to get crushed again, yet I don’t feel as though the other party is making any attempt to take responsibility for their part. They questions I keep coming back to are: what do I need, what do I want? Do I need an apology? Do I need them to take responsibility? For the professional side of things, no, I don’t. I’m ok working together with the status quo. But the emotional side is not fulfilled then I don’t think. There is an acknowledgement that maybe needs to take place in order for me to be willing to completely let go and rebuild the friendship.

Interesting, considering that this is exactly what the other person said to me.

So as far apart as we think we are in the scenario, we aren’t really. When we think our situation is precarious because of emotional involvement, we’re not the only ones.

So I’m going to be transparent. I’m going to be clear about my wants, needs and ideas. I’m going to take ownership of what I want this partnership to create and my part in it.

I’m going to be guarded. I’m going to be watchful and careful.

And I’m going to let time heal and recreate the amazing partnership that existed once before in a different time. And hope for the best- an opportunity for us both to realize our fullest potential.

 

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