Archives for the month of: June, 2012

My little one went down for his nap today and I decided to roll out my yoga mat. After what was a mediocre home practice I lay for a few moments in Savasana. Recognizing that my mind was racing I sat up, changed the song on my iTunes and tried a mantra meditation. I tried to steady my intention: “Remove my obstacles, release me from suffering, free me from ego, help me find clarity.” Things were going quite well until my phone rang.

My initial reaction was to jump up and get the phone. ‘It could very well be the resolution to the quandary thats making my mind race anyway.  Or it could be my husband, maybe he’s going to pick up lunch and needs to know what my order is.’  I was able to recognize this haste and remind myself that the whole point of meditation is focus, presence, breath. I sat still, listening to the buzz from my vibrating phone as it transitioned from ring, to voicemail, to another ring. I noticed the temperature of my face get warmer, my breath got more shallow and before I knew it the little voice in my head was taking over the steadiness I had created through my mantra.

‘Oh man, what if that is the person who really needs to get a hold of me to finalize this open ended part of my life that is driving me bonkers right now!’ I couldn’t take it. I jumped up and checked my phone- after all I didn’t want to not be able to eat lunch if in fact it was Micah. And it was, I got my lunch order in just in time, and realized the battle I had actually lost.

I have gotten so accustomed to an instant response. No lag time between events, call when needed and answer when called is the status quo. I was unaware of how attached I have become to the ability to make things happen NOW. So much so that I was willing to give up experiencing NOW through breath and mantra. Though I did run back to my mat to finish my meditation, ‘namaste’ as I bowed, perhaps my next step in meditation is to leave the phone in the other room.

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Shopping for swimsuits is one of the most brutal tasks for women. After participating in this personal punishment yesterday I was pretty discouraged. All alliteration aside its difficult enough to shop for swimsuits when your NOT looking at a body that doesn’t seem like your own. I spent the first 30 years of my life learning to love my no-curves-barely-there-chest-but-perfect-for-all-the activities-I-d0 body. Now I have to look at myself with boobs, and curves where I wouldn’t have wanted them in the first place. It made me feel like I was 15 all over again- awkward and insecure.

In the heat of the moment I text my mom, ever the emotional support fortress, but also optimistic to a fault. “Swimsuit shopping is even worse now” I text. Her response: “Not forever”. So leave it to Mom to see the bright side of things, but a great reminder none the less. The body that I have now is not going to stay this way, nor will it ever be the same as it was. Just as the process of becoming a mother is a journey, so the journey back to pre-pregnancy weight is a process. And if we ever feel stuck in our process or that there is not reprieve in sight, the only certainty in life is change. All is evolution.

As I try to work myself back in to shape 7 weeks post baby I have been realizing several things:

1. I totally took for granted how ‘in shape’ I was when I was scrutinizing myself for NOT being ‘in-shape’ enough!

2. I totally took for granted all of the time I spent working out and on my mat!

3. I totally took for granted the time I had and that I didn’t have to share it, plan it or spend it with someone else.

Now, I understand that I am not the first woman to realize these things. But, I DO want to use this wisdom to make sure that I stop taking what I have for granted, and use this space in life as a practice of presence.

As challenging as it is and will be to lose this last 10 lbs of baby weight WITH a new baby. I want to focus on this opportunity to empathize with so many other people. People who have disabilities and way bigger challenges than I have. People who are far more over weight than I- and have real adversity and physical difficulty working out. And lastly, some compassion for myself. To remember that I just had a baby, the one thing that women were given the privilege to do in this life and that makes things different.  My body is different, my priorities are different, my perspective is different.  And though I may get discouraged I hope to remember all the people I share this journey with and to utilize that thread as motivation to keep on going!

At the beginning of last year I set out to accomplish everything I thought I had left to accomplish- before my life was over. I taught yoga at a surf camp in Ecuador, I ran my first half marathon, I started contributing to a Yoga Teacher Training program and I intended to establish my business as a personal trainer/ yoga instructor/ life coach. And then, I got pregnant. Well I actually got pregnant in the middle of all of those events. I carried on with all that I was doing, the exception being that I never really got any momentum built on my personal business. Now that I’ve had my baby (April 27 in fact) I am getting ready to get back to work. But my perspective is quite different. Not just because having a baby changes things, but because I was wrong about thinking my life would be over. Instead I have new reasons to stay motivated, set career goals, challenge my self physically and make sure that everyday counts in as many ways as possible. I hope to share my journey with whomever is in need of the motivation to do the same.

I have 10 pounds left to lose post- baby, but am far from the body that I had/ want. I aspire to run the same half marathon this year as I did last year- Georgetown to Idaho Springs, in August. I want to learn to teach my little one how to hang out in a kangaroo sling. I want to travel to Tibet with my husband to see the Himalayas. So it seems that just when we think our work is done, its only just begun.

We begin where we are.