Archives for posts with tag: breath

The thunder was rolling, like the growl from deep in the gut of the discontent and indifference I had been feeling for the last few weeks: A familiar, yet long unvisited territory. As the thunder was reminding me of the shifts that were set to occur, the lightening was the resurrection. The sharp flash of lights that would stretch from one edge of the cloud through the belly of the thunder was fierce, powerful, determined and necessary.

Just like change.

As I sat and watched Mother Nature’s magical theater display I was struck by something all at once: when I feel like this I feel disconnected and separate, when I feel like that I feel connected and supported. Just as the thunder and lightening are created by each other, they create for each other. What they create for each other is meaning- a purpose for their moment in time. When I feel disconnected and indifferent I feel no sense of purpose or any good reason why.

I find it so interesting what even a small dose of depression will completely un-do any kind of motivation or momentum that you might carry into any and all aspects of your life.

Sometimes, stepping away from our ‘normal’ state of living gives us the breathing room to redefine the life we want to be living.

So there, in rural Missouri, I started to look at what in my life was working, and what wasn’t. I started to ask myself about the things I was holding myself accountable for. I needed to understand what was serving me and what wasn’t so that I had a road map to redirect these feelings of discontent and exhaustion, really. How could I make reasonable changes that would serve to create the life that I wanted to live: a life of love, contentment, creativity and fulfillment.

Here are a few things I was able to distill:

  1. I was spending a lot of time supporting people who didn’t necessarily support me in the same way. Relationships of all kinds can be a big piece of the exhaustion puzzle.
  2. The 30-day challenge is not my gig (anymore). After trying a few of these and ‘failing’ miserably I’m ready to let this Insta-standard go. At first I thought it was because my life didn’t have the room for this type of commitment. Now I realize I just haven’t ever bought in 100% because it’s not authentic to me.
  3. Several of my daily habits- even self-care habits, weren’t helping to restore ME. Now- I am a yoga teacher. I know all about meditation, and breathing, and eating right etc. But some of the things I was doing because I ‘should’ were adding pressure on me to achieve them. They were great rituals and they served a purpose at some point. But I needed to revitalize in ways that were effective for ME.

From these realizations I’ve created a new check-in list. Something to keep me on track with decisions about time management and truly living the life I want to be living:

  1. I am done with ‘shoulds’! I intend to pause and ask myself: Is this something I should be doing, or is this something I want to be doing. Inevitably there will be coffee dates that I want to do, and those that I should do. At least this mantra helps me to create a moment of pause before I make the commitment. Time is a valuable commodity!
  2. Acceptance and Authenticity. My life is what it is because I created it this way. Accepting it and accepting myself gives me room to breathe and to be. One of my core values is authenticity. When I feel the competitive voice speaking up I intend to remind myself of acceptance and authenticity, and to move, work, love, post from that place.
  3. Mindfulness. It truly is important to me to live with intention, to love with intention, to teach with intention. So a lot of what this comes down to is time. Making the time for myself to light a candle and be still, or to wake up just a bit earlier to drink some lemon water. But maybe more than that, mindfulness allows for the opportunity to explore: what am I really needing to feel good, grounded, balanced, alive.

I have intentionally kept this list short- reflective of the main realizations I had while I was away. When I need to be tender with myself the last thing I want to do is write up a shopping list of all of the things I’m unsettled about. Instead I choose to focus on these main ideas that cast a broad net so that more of the little things are impacted by my new way of thinking and tuning in.

I also head in to this challenge fully aware that it doesn’t happen overnight. I don’t just wake up and say: I’m gonna change x,y and z so that my life is more fulfilling. It takes time. Besides- I have a great life, yet something in me was still stirring. The press to improve ourselves is a process. And if we are lucky enough we get to watch it and participate fully in this dance with grace.

The process itself can be quite transformative. Like the fade of a magnificent thunder and lightening show into the tranquil dance of tall green grasses in the residual wind of the storm across the plains. A beautiful reminder that the storm magnifies the tranquility. One gives purpose to the other. Its the dance between the two, storm and serenity, that makes us whole.

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In 2014 I’m looking forward to exploring more of The Middle Way.

After several shifts and awakenings this year, I can honestly say that I think my soul is starting to rub her eyes, inspirate and move. Its a looong, slooow process. Like when my little guy rises with the sun, he jabbers at the dark for a few minutes, then I go in and say ‘good morning’. He then likes to tell me about how he slept and what first came to mind when he woke up, like ‘reach the lights’ (meaning that he can now reach the light switch and turn his bedroom light on… and off… and on and off again… at 5:30.

At times I’ve been reluctant to my own arousal. Maybe even tried to slip back underneath the veil of my ego and chase the things I’m used to chasing. I’ve tried for money, fame, status. All of which have led me back to the same realization. The Middle Way.

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Its certainly tempting to want to push my career to a place where everybody knows my name. And its just as easy to follow the same trance that so many other people seem to be in: that you should work your life a way, make a bunch more money than you need and attain the stuff that makes you who you are. But again, when I find myself on the ledge that plummets to that same spot, something in my gut always guides me to stillness. And in that stillness I recall contentment and the truth of what MY happiness.

And now, I know, you are just waiting for me to tell you what that is. Like if one more person were to tell you what their happiness came from you could go after it and you would find happiness too… but would you?  So today I refrain from sharing my happiness. With the intention that 2014 be THE year that you find your own sense of truth. That you and everyone around you be guided by that inner voice that guides us all home.

May we all find happiness, and the root of happiness.

namaste.

Ok, ok, I  know I’ve been MIA… but I’m blaming my absence on the ridiculous amount of work I’ve been buried under, as a result of my own manifestation. But I also have to admit I’ve put off writing because I realized that this blog has turned in to a bit more of a journal entry than I intended. That being said, I did want it to be motivational, informative, and inspiring; so if even one person finds those things amidst my own personal churning than I guess I am accomplishing what I set out to do. Plus, I have a place to process things ‘out loud’ when my internal dialogue simply won’t create resolution.

Lately this process of self evolution has led me down a path of strange familiarity. Has that ever happened to you? You think you’re done with something or someone, heck you may have even written them off, but then out of nowhere the opportunity presents itself to take a mulligan and try again.

Now I’ve been through this a few times. I happen to believe that The Universe will send you lessons and signs until you actual learn them or see them to the best of your ability. My lessons and signs, for the most part, have to do with my career. I have left and gone back, left and gone back, probably more than most people you know. I’m a serial re-do-er. I guess its my belief in these second chances. When I really stop to think about it, each of these re-do opportunities has truly given me the chance to mend a bridge that may have been burned, or to at least come to some sort of realization that me and it are just not a good match, or perhaps grown apart. Usually when this happens I’m able to move on, which is great because I’ve been able to work my whole adult life in a field that I love and uses my talents, and make decent money, all due to the fact that I have learned and grown along the way.

This time, my emotions are involved more than usual and I find myself in a very interesting place. I’m scared, really scared. I don’t want to create any misperception, so I’m trying to be transparent, but I feel so vulnerable, like everything I say is being analyzed. I’m scared, because I don’t want to get crushed again, yet I don’t feel as though the other party is making any attempt to take responsibility for their part. They questions I keep coming back to are: what do I need, what do I want? Do I need an apology? Do I need them to take responsibility? For the professional side of things, no, I don’t. I’m ok working together with the status quo. But the emotional side is not fulfilled then I don’t think. There is an acknowledgement that maybe needs to take place in order for me to be willing to completely let go and rebuild the friendship.

Interesting, considering that this is exactly what the other person said to me.

So as far apart as we think we are in the scenario, we aren’t really. When we think our situation is precarious because of emotional involvement, we’re not the only ones.

So I’m going to be transparent. I’m going to be clear about my wants, needs and ideas. I’m going to take ownership of what I want this partnership to create and my part in it.

I’m going to be guarded. I’m going to be watchful and careful.

And I’m going to let time heal and recreate the amazing partnership that existed once before in a different time. And hope for the best- an opportunity for us both to realize our fullest potential.